Date 16/08/2006
Location Ye Olde Black Bulle, Friargate, Preston, down the stairs to the right, in the dingy bit
Very Early Andy Senior, Mark Proctor, Unauthorised Female (aka Lizanne) (19:30)
Bit Early John Carmichael, Steve Tiley (19:51)
On-Time Dave Moore, Iain Mitchell (19:59)
Bit Late Anthony Glenholme (20:02)
Very Late Andy Archer (20:43)
Well Late Col Greenwood (21:44)
Apologies None received. (again, might have been some but I didn’t make a note…)
Secretary’s note: Anthony to be commended for his immediate and spontaneous attempted bribery of the secretary (via the offer of 1 pint of girl’s lager) when he requested the minutes were altered to record his arrival time as 20:00 and not 20:02 Apparently he wasn’t really late and it was his birthday and there were the wrong kind of leaves on the track and it was quite windy and the price of oil has been a bit high recently etc. etc. ad. infinitum. HOWEVER, the committee takes a very dim view to bribery and corruption and the request was flatly refused. It’s like ball tampering – we just won’t tolerate it (unless it’s 1:55am on Saturday 26th August 2006 in the deepest recesses of some dingy night club in Market Harborough, when a bit of ball tampering will do just nicely thank you.)
Anyway, back to the minutes.
Initial discussions centred on whether or not Steve Daley’s £1.9m move from Wolves was the most expensive transfer in England at the time. This line of discussion leads me to minute the following points:
20:07 Col Greenwood ‘phoned in, saying he was on his way. Mark, who took the call, failed to gather any further information, for example, where Col was on his way from, his mode of transport and his expected time of arrival. And the man’s a grade 4 – God help us.
20:10 Secretary asks Andy Senior “Shouldn’t we be getting this meeting started?” Seens (Chairman and Best Man) replied “No, leave it another 10 minutes or so…” Is it any wonder this country’s going down the pan?
20:13 Seens produces his new ‘phone. Apparently it’s taken 6 months of research to select it and it runs Windows Mobile 5 whatever that is. We (AS, JC, ST) then entered into a rambling local discussion of the features of various ‘phone’s, operating systems etc. etc. and I totally missed what the other guys were talking about on the other side of the table for approximately 6 minutes, so these topics are not minuted. Apologies to all concerned/not concerned.
20:19 Someone finally grabs the bull by the horns and makes a decision. It’s time to go to the bar.
20:23 John Terry scores for England against Greece and Steve McLaren is clearly excited by this promising start by his new squad. Seens displays his displeasure of everything football related (yet again).
20:26 Discussions then moved on to how magnificent Kirsty Windows breasts were when she started in 7 hangar and how apparently they still are to this day. No up-to-date topographical investigations have been conducted so we are relying on research dated approximately April ’97 when the secretary had a brief rummage after a night out in Squires, Preston. As far as I recall, they were genuine orbs of joy. Discussion then wandered on to what here maiden name was (i.e. pre-windows update)
ACTION: JC to try to remember Kirsty’s maiden name. However, these minutes are soooo late, I’ve had chance to think it through – ‘Giles’. Action complete – how about that!
20:27 Seens asks “Is anyone in the market for a curry?”
20:29 Seens barks out “Right, meeting…………….” Then forgot what he was saying. Somebody suggested that the word he was looking for was ‘convened’
20:30 Steve Tiley starts flapping his hands around in front of his face. Iain asks “Have you turned into Mick Jagger?” Steve T claims a fly was bugging him.
20:31 Seens starts rambling on about a ‘big fat fly’ that has been buzzing around his office all day, annoying him.
20:32 HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: First talk of anything to do with Mark’s stag do at 20:32 Good grief. We discussed the final numbers for the stag accommodation, which confirms 23 attendees. Excellent.
20:38 Seens informs the committee that “There are no duffle coats in South America” I can’t remember what (if anything) prompted him to come up with that little gem, but it is duly noted as a Top Tip #1 of the evening.
20:39 Secretary asks Seens for the written agenda, to which he replied “I have a mental agenda”. Just as we were starting to get somewhere, the meeting is disrupted again, as the bar goes wild when at…
20:40 …Frank Lampard scores for England to make it 2:0 and looking good. Steve McLaren appears to have a large bulge in his trousers.
20:42 Seens shouts “Right – stop talking about football - Item number 1 on the agenda – underwear.” Seens produces a selection of shorts to be worn as underwear under the skirts, which come in at prices around the £2.40 mark. General murmurings about us looking like a bunch of ‘gay 5-a-side footballers’ are disrupted when at…
20:44 …Peter Crouch scores to make it 3:0 and Steve McLaren shoots his load all over the technical area.
20:45 Andy Archer arrives wearing a T-shirt with the optimistic slogan “HUGE” on the front. I didn’t see the back of the T-shirt, but I would imagine it can only have said “DENIAL ISSUES”.
20:46 Seens states that “you cannot buy girl’s knickers anywhere in Preston”. To alleviate this apparent mismatch between supply and demand, Andy Archer suggested importing them directly from the far-east where apparently “you can by soiled schoolgirl’s knickers from vending machines.” Oh my god.
[Secretary’s note: on the subject of girl’s underwear, Andrew Forshaw has expressed in an email that under no circumstances will he wear girl’s underwear. Due to this rebellious attitude, the committee decided that Andrew Forshaw should be “formally known as Dutt” forever more.]
20:50 Peter Crouch scores again, to make it 4:0 before half time. Steve McLaren passes out with the intensity of his 2nd orgasm of the night and his high-velocity semen knocks the fourth official clean off his feet. The ref has seen enough and blows (the whistle) for half time. The ground-staff begin the clean up operation with one of those big squeegee machines they use on rainy days at Wimbledon.
20:51 Discussion reverts once again to girl’s underwear and the level of authenticity that we are striving for. Seens claims that the first thing any girl will do when they have meet us is to lift a skirt to check for authentic knickers. Mark expresses his reservations about this by stating that “When they check they’ll find a bullock hanging out of each side – that’s not authentic” [Secretary’s note: he’s obviously never been on a night out in Wigan]. Somebody shouts out that “What I’ve noticed with knickers after extensive research, is that one size fits all”. Not sure who said it. Seens chimes in with “The knickers are such an important part of it” – remember this is in a busy city centre pub, full of people watching an England game.
20:56 Vote takes place to decide whether it’s shorts or frilly knickers: 8 votes cast, the frillies have it with 5 votes to 3.
20:57 Item 1b – material for skirts and bibs. Seens produces two miniscule samples of red and blue cloth – red for bib, blue for skirt. Steve Tiley attempts to convert the red piece of cloth into a makeshift G-string and Seens reprimands him with “Stop being a twat for a moment – it’s all about the colour”
20:58 Andy Archer informs the committee that there is always a good supply of soiled knickers in the bins outside Tokyo Jo’s on a Saturday night.
ACTION: Andy Archer to scour rubbish bins outside Tokyo Jo’s on Saturday evening.
20:59 Meeting adjourned for bar trip.
21:04 Discussion moves on to double letter pairs for Netball Bibs. JC produces list compiled in an idle moment at work. Although not finished, the letter-pairs show promise as is shown that we can make “MIND IF WE COME ON YOUR FACE” with them.
ACTION: JC to complete the list ASAP and forward to Seens.
21:05 Mark makes formal request to have letters “MY” on the front of his bib, so that when we’re displaying the phrase “SUCK MY DICK” it will be his dick that we are referring to.
21:06 Mark cancels formal request to have letters “MY” on the front of his bib when someone works out we could also display “FUCK MY ARSE”.
21:09 Discussion moves on to socks, more specifically frilly ankle socks. Dave Moore offers to by 23 socks. This is accepted by the committee on the proviso that he ensures he buys 23 pairs, i.e. that’s 46 socks in total Dave, OK?
ACTION: Dave Moore to purchase 23 pairs frilly ankle socks.
21:12 Andy Archer failed on action from meeting #3 to procure (by theft) 23 balls. Following this abject failure, AA offered again to source suitable balls.
ACTION: AA to buy 23 suitable balls for no more than £1 each.
21:17 Someone shouts out – “Are we having lippy?” to which seens replies “What about freckles?”. Seens then started banging on for several minutes about how he’s always out of pocket after these events and that everyone must give him £20 on Saturday evening before he’ll release an outfit.
21:25 Seens bangs his glass with a pen and says “Anything else to say about costume?” Someone suggests we should have a whistle to help keep things under control.
ACTION: JC to remind Seens to bring his famous Friargate Gallon whistle.
21:28 Discussed various buzz-phrases to use during the evening (in the same way that “Seatbelt” worked so well in Skipton – you had to be there). Anthony suggested “He shoots, he scores” and someone else came up with “Ooh – rim shot”.
ACTION: All to think up sports related phrases with perverted undertones.
21:29 Seens asks “Are we going to do anything healthy on Saturday?”. General consensus was a resounding “Yes – drink a healthy amount of alcohol.”
21:30 Seens requests if there’s any other business. Apparently there is – storage of cash. Seens points out that there will be no storage facilities (that’s pockets to you and me) built into the costume and also that NO SHORTS WITH POCKETS WILL BE ALLOWED. Any unauthorised underwear will be removed by force if necessary. This then introduces a problem with storage of loose change (no, not the loose change referred to in Roger’s Profanisaurus – I’m talking about coins.) Andy Archer claims that “You can store £3.16 in two pence pieces under your foreskin”. Thankfully, no evidence was provided to the committee to prove that this is indeed possible.
21:37 Discussion then switched to the new skiing outfit that Steve Rostron is apparently buying. “He looks very good on the slopes” someone said.
21:38 Seens shouts out “Does anyone have any other business that’s relevant?” Discussion continues about Steve Rostron’s new outfit.
21:39 Seens shouts out quite loudly “The meeting is closed”. Andy Archer shouts “Fuck that – what about Saturday – what are we going to do?” and then adds “I used to shag a bird from Ashby De La Zouch”
21:40 Somebody asks if we’re going to Melton Mowbray
21:41 Seens bawls “THE MEETING IS CLOSED”
21:42 Someone shouts “Re-open the meeting – give Andy Archer an action to find out what we can do on Saturday”. Someone else shouts “Meeting closed”
ACTION: Andy Archer to find out what we can do on Saturday in Market Harborough (not Melton Mowbray)
21:43 Meeting closed
21:44 Note from Steve Tiley who was in a round with JC: JC goes to the bar for the first time in the evening.
21:45 Col Greenwood turns up from somewhere.
21:55 Andy Archer states “If the sun is hotter, it’s not as cold.” This evening’s Top Tip #2.
All in all, another productive meeting. We now know that Dutt will be called Dutt forever, we’ll be wearing pink frilly knickers and ankle socks next Saturday evening in Market Harborough and we can use subliminal techniques to let the lovely young ladies there know that we want to come on their faces.
Sorted.
JCC
22/08/2006