Fat Markage’s Stag Committee (Northern Branch) - Meeting #3
Date 25/05/2006
Venue The Old Black Bull, Friargate, Preston, Up North
On Time John Carmichael [this week’s secretary – Ed.], Steve Tiley, Iain Mitchell
Late Paul Barlow (20:01)
Dave Moower (20:04)
Mark Proctorage / Andy Seens Senior Senior / Andy Ryder (20:08)
Early Andy Archer (20:16) [Note: Predicted time of arrival was 20:30]
Apologies None received (There might have been some, but I forgot to ask)
Meeting deemed quorate at 20:10 and promptly descended into seemingly random mini discussions about all sorts of topics. For example, Steve Tiley raised the question “Ashby de La Zouch is in France isn’t it?” and Andy Ryder chipped in with “Leamington Spa is like a large bath full of furry creatures” Several more minutes of (non-minuted) random banter ensued before Seens shouted “Everybody shut up a minute”.
Having established that Seens was in fact in charge of proceedings and not just being a big girl, formal discussions then began as to Attendees/Date/Venue/Theme (anyone seen “Groundhog Day”?). Number of attendees appears to be 29, which must be some sort of record. Date was discussed and again confirmed as 26/27th August 2006. No possibility of movement on this now. Amen.
Next item –
Location, location, location.
Rambling discussions ensued with reams of papers, maps etc. strewn all over the place. Paul Barlow was commended on his encyclopaedic knowledge of the booking systems of the majority of the UK’s hotel chains. After some study of the maps it was decided that Market Harborough was a very strong candidate, since “it has a round town square”. Quite how this geometric anomaly was deduced from a map was not noted, but a quick look at Euclid’s “The Elements” books 1 and 2 (squares) and book 3 (circles) should clearly explain that this is not possible. http://turnbull.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Biographies/Euclid.html
ACTION : Iain to investigate Market Harborough town square/circle
20:34 Meeting adjourned for beer.
20:41 Seens went for a piss after 1 pint of girls [correction : blokes’ lager – Ed.] lager. When questioned, he responded with the lame excuse “I had a bottle before I came out”.
20:44 Meeting re-convened
Further discussions began, generally about venue, with Steve Tiley proposing Milton Keynes. Andy Archer opposed this by saying the “Milton Keynes is full of families”. Also, there are too many roundabouts.
Seens then piped up with “has anyone got wapping facilities?” Andy Archer blurted out “that horrible mess there – now that is crap” with his finger pointing to a map of Birmingham. Andy Archer then started calling mates around the country with what appeared to be a large brick, but turned out to actually be a real mobile phone (Nokia 6310i). “It’s an absolute classic – someone offered me £65 for it the other day” he said. Bullshit I say.
More discussion as to what constitutes a good venue, with an argument as to whether it’s more important to have a club than a curry house. Seens pointed out that “the difference between a club and a pub is that in a club it all suddenly goes dark and noisy”. A handy tip.
Someone then suggested Hereford. This received an immediate, unanimous NO vote due to the presence of many swollen bollocked SAS types, recently returned from Iraq looking for a shag. Not an ideal place for 29 blokes in drag.
Andy Archer’s mate Steve came up with some useful data on Worcester. Apparently “it has 2 clubs, 10 pubs (of which you might get out alive from 5) and a mix of classy birds and non-classy birds. Oh and a Travelodge and a river so it’s good for watersports” [Secretary’s note: personally, I prefer to use a toilet and I don’t think we should get involved in any of that filthy business]
A short list was drawn up of the leading candidates for venue as follows:
Immediately after this list was agreed, Burton Upon Trent was discounted as nobody could come up with a good reason for it to be on the list. 1 step forward, 2 back.
Andy Archer then suggested Cheltenham because “it’s got posh birds and it’s good for savings”. Somebody chipped in with “I’m glad we got that bottomed out”. Worryingly (for a recently married man) Dave Moore asked “I wonder what it would actually be like to be bottomed out”.
21:06 Meeting adjourned for beer.
21:09 Seens went for piss #2 (elapsed time 28 minutes, beer consumed 1x pint girls lager)
[correction : blokes’ lager – Ed.]
21:12 England ‘B’ goalkeeper “pops his groin” in match against Belarus.
OUCH!!!
21:13 Meeting reconvened – noisy random discussion recommenced.
21:15 Seens shouted “I am the chair and you can all fuck off”. It was decided that Seens appeared to “have the painters in” being very stroppy and argumentative, with frequent toilet trips. Committee discreetly decided to cut him some slack for the remainder of “rag week”.
[note : 3rd choice was Cheltenham or Gloucester.
ACTION : Iain to try to book Mkt Harbro accom ASAP & report back – Ed.]
Discussion then meandered onto
Themes
with the main contenders appearing to be Netball Players and Witches. Apparently, netball players always wear big blue knickers and it was decided that these would be mandatory for all attendees. Steve Tiley to note: no G-strings allowed.
21:21 Dave Moore stated that “My preference is for netball players”. Lisa Moore to note.
ACTION : Andy Archer to investigate big blue knickers at Marks and Spencers
ACTION : Paul Barlow to investigate polo shirts at Asda. Must be < £5
ACTION : Andy Senior to visit Preston market at weekend
21:24 Iain left
Further discussions into merits of netball players vs witches, with suggestion that Markage should have special costume incorporating a netball hoop suspended above his head. All other team members to be supplied with a small, light ball with which points would be given for scoring through the hoop. This was a popular decision with everyone except Markage who stated that “I don’t want your balls anywhere near my head”
ACTION : John Carmichael to investigate inflatable netball posts
ACTION : Andy Archer to source (steal) 50+ small, light balls from some do he’s going to at the weekend (I can’t remember what it was)
Seens continued to bang on about the merits of witches, but this theme did not appear to be popular with the majority of the committee who deemed dressing up as witches as being not sexy and “unlikely to get us a shag”. Seens retorted with “It doesn’t have to be sexy – we’ve got tits” Apparently he has come up with a modified set of fake breasts which alleviate the usual severe chafing problems experienced on previous occasions.
Andy Archer summed up the general discomfort about the witches theme with the comment that “A witch is just a gay wizard”. Somebody then suggested that we should be dishing out business cards to suitable birds, with a www address where they could view photos of themselves posing with the stag members. A well thought out method for increasing the divorce rate if ever there was one.
Discussions now heavily leaning towards Netball Players as the theme, but Markage still expressing reservations about underwear with “If it’s blue knickers, there’s got to be a realistic chance your knob is going to be hanging out the side”.
With probably the most random comment of the evening, Andy Archer then advised the committee that “suntan lotion is a very useful way of getting indelible marker pen off your arse.” Another top tip – well done.
21:45 Seens loses his pen
21:46 Meeting adjourned for beer and search for Seens’s pen.
21:48 Seens went for piss #3 (elapsed time 39 minutes, beer consumed 1x pint girls [good grief. And where’s your apostrophe ? – Ed.] lager)
Further discussions about fine details of netball player’s attire, centring on what would appeal to birds on the night in the same kind of way as the police women’s uniforms in Skipton, whereby epaulettes, ties, hats, wigs, truncheons etc were knicked by a large number of women during the evening and were seen dotted around the club later on.
One suggestion that seemed to appeal was the use of multiple big blue knickers, to be worn by each player and donated to suitable females as required in a similar style to the tear off visors favoured by formula one drivers (only hopefully with fewer dead flies on them). Seens chirped up about the vast expense of supplying 10+ pairs of big blue knickers to each player.
21:56 Seens pen is found on the floor under his seat.
Paul Barlow received the “Best Gadget” award for the evening when he somehow transformed his mobile phone (Sony Erricson K700) into a powerful searchlight which led to the successful recovery of the missing pen. Well actually, it wasn’t even a pen – it was a half empty refill from a bic biro.
Andy Archer suggested we should wear crop top/boob tube style tops to make the theme “Pregnant Chav Netball Players”, which was deemed to be a bit silly and unlikely to attract the “right type of bird”
It was suggested that we should have two teams, with different coloured bibs and Markage as a referee. This might clash with his other role as “netball post carrier”. Further discussion required.
Next we talked about the letters to be used on the bibs and how many and what combinations we would need to be able to make useful phrases. Different letter pairs front and back seemed like a good idea and some fool suggested we might need to write the letters on our hands so that we couldn’t forget what we were wearing – I can’t remember who.
Seens pointed out that “if all the bibs say GA you can’t spell ‘NICE TITS’”, proving once again the benefit of a university education.
ACTION : Everyone to think up phrases/letter combinations that might be useful on the night
ACTION : Andy Ryder to investigate/photograph/video netball skirts in action to allow design process to begin.
22:24 Meeting Closed
Summary
A very productive meeting, with several important decisions probably nearly made.
Date 26/27 August 2006
Venue Market Harborough
Theme Netball Players
Attendees 29
Next Meeting
Date TBD
Venue TBD